A small Victory!

Today I spent the morning around my beautiful friends house! Had a lovely time with her and her beautiful girls. She was also babysitting her cousins little one as well. Had a lovely catch up with her.
I totally forgot that it was playgroup today for the kiddies. I won't lie, I felt a little overwhelmed, especially with how my emotions have been lately. Felt a little panicky on the walk there and when we first arrived as there was a pregnant woman and toddlers running around!
It saddens me that my friend got upset with how I was, instead of enjoying time with her beautiful babies... I told her don't be daft, sometimes I got to push myself into situations that make me uneasy, to break through the way that I am feeling to become happier :-)
But you know what I am soooooooooo pleased, I faced this! When I reflect upon my morning, I have achieved so much :-) It just goes to show when you push you're comfort boundaries, its worth it!

I am so happy that I have a great friend and she looks out for how I feel. But I don't want her to be preoccupied with how I am feeling, I want her to enjoy spending time with her little ladies as well as me, and not feel sad for me!

So today is a positive post, with positive vibes! Onwards and Upwards!

This is how I  feel right now :-)

I am strong and I am a fighter :-)

Today I am feeling very happy and excited that my lovely hubby is coming home!

Today I feel joy about everything in life! I feel like I am slowly making progress, even if it doesn't always feel that way! 

I feel total elation that I baked a lovely cake yesterday, but I only had one small slice! And I didn't/don't feel the need to eat anymore... 

I feel life is testing me right now, but you know what? I am strong and I am a fighter ;-) 

Feeling nice and summery today! 

The cake I baked yesterday, pretty proud of it!

Me and Casper messing about last night!

Only 1 cat missing! All keeping me company!

Mucho love to all xxxx

Feeling vulnerable

Today I'm not sure how I feel. Part of me feels ashamed that last night, as I was alone and was upset, I turned to self-harm. I know this isn't the answer, and yes I do feel ashamed. But I think I have to accept that I done it and move on, as feeling ashamed isn't going to help myself out of this situation!

Today I feel a sense of emptiness around me. I feel a sense of inadequacy, with how I dealt with my emotions yesterday but more how I 'accepted' the news. 'New Baby' announcements should be joyous occasions, enjoyed by all! I hate that whilst I feel happiness and excitement for the parents, there are so many parts of me that feel upset, empty, worthless, inadequate, shame and vulnerable all at the same time! I hate that the sheer mention of babies, seeing babies in the street, seeing or hearing of pregnant women, seeing or hearing 'new baby' announcements leave me feeling really vulnerable and not knowing how to deal with this emotion.

Today I woke, thinking I heard my husband's voice saying hello to Milo! In my confused, half asleep state, I turned over and he wasn't there! I miss him. I wish he was here to give me a cuddle and tell me, everything is going to be ok.

Today I have baked him a chocolate and orange cake (just got the icing left to do), for when he returns home tomorrow! I am looking forward to spending the weekend with my love, as he has been extra busy with work lately. So the sun will be shining and I hope we can get out and enjoy it some of it!
I will also be dragging him to Bingo, as I received 'free' tickets for us both, so should be fun!
It's a struggle trying to think of things to do that doesn't cost too much money, as I am out of work at the moment, so money is tight!

Today I have gone on a cycle ride to the local shops and taken the dog out for a walk. It felt nice to get out in the fresh air. Makes me happy going out on my bike, even if I am not 100% confident riding it! Im getting there slowly :-)

Today I have also been watching some TED talks of Brene Brown, she talks a lot about shame and vulnerability. A few of the things she said has really struck a cord in me " Stop looking outside yourself for external validation. Own you're own story!"and "What we need in the world, is love sweet love. Fierce love! Courageous love for each other!". She also goes on to answer a question, from the audience about women dealing with infertility. "Women seek empathy for the pain they are in about not becoming a mum. Then some people offer sympathy stories, leading that woman to suffer shame!"
I know that I can only talk for myself, but on the rare occasions I want to talk about infertility, I don't want sympathy stories. I don't want people to say "I know someone that tried for 10 years and finally fell pregnant", "Don't think about it and it will happen", "Don't stress" etc etc. I know people feel well, but it leaves me feeling worse emotionally, a failure!

Today I long for the day that I can accept this situation, so I am able to move forward in my path, to finally conceiving our baby! I long to be on cloud nine and announcing that me and my husband are going to be parents and I do believe that one day, it will happen, but who knows when?

Today, for the rest of the day, I am going to get in my pyjamas, chill out and hide from the world!

Today I feel lonely, ashamed, extremely vulnerable and in need of a cuddle from my husband.

Upset, tearful, angry, jealousy, ashamed and remorseful!

As the title of this post says, at this moment in time I am feeling a mixture of emotions. I feel upset, I feel tearful, I feel angry, I feel jealousy, I feel ashamed and most of all I feel remorseful that I feel these certain emotions.

I feel upset that my brother in law and sister in law have given birth to their beautiful daughter today, their second child. I feel upset that its not me and my husband. I feel upset in the time that me and my husband have been trying, they have had 2 babies.

I feel tearful that I'm not a mummy. I feel tearful that I am faced with IVF, the weeks/months of injections, scans, procedures and the possibility that I may go through all of this and it may not even get me pregnant.

I feel angry that I am being faced with this. I am angry that me and my husband have been trying for a baby for almost 4 years, and not even a hint of a positive pregnancy test, NOTHING!

I feel intense jealously that there are so many people around falling pregnant and becoming mummy's around me, and there's nothing I can do about it! I have to hold other peoples newborn babies whilst inside I am crying like a baby myself! I want to be holding mine and my husband's baby! I want to be a mummy! I want this jealousy to go...

I feel ashamed that I cannot deal with my emotions about this! I feel ashamed, that although I am incredibly upset right now, I am not really allowing myself to cry, to cry buckets like I want too!

I feel remorseful that I feel these feelings about others. I don't want them to feel its directed at 'them' as such, because it isn't! It comes from my feelings surrounding my situation and I don't know how to deal with them...

I am sitting here sit with fear! Fear in the respect that I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do with myself, do I allow these emotions to keep stirring in my mind, and sit with them? Question them?
I feel an increased sense of emptiness! Pit of the stomach sickness! Shaky with emotions and fear! I feel an increased sense of shame and vulnerability right now!

I don't know where to turn as my husband is away with work. I feel like I just want to be by myself and be in my own company right now. Right this moment, I want to nourish and be kind to myself. But I am really struggling, so I am going to curl up on the sofa and have cuddles with my little Milo!

Faced with panic in the supermarket!

So I have been feeling quite lethargic today! Difficult to motivate myself to do anything. So I just pottered around the house this afternoon. After going to the hospital this morning and then briefly seeing my friend.

My mum sent me a photo of her cake that she baked today and it looked lovely. So I have decided that I am going to bake my husband a lovely chocolate orange cake, for when he returns home.
I get enjoyment out of baking, its something that I really love to do!

The hubby is going away for a couple of days with work soon and I felt I had to go to the supermarket to grab a few things, to see me through, whilst he is gone. Well it was the first time in ages that I started to go into a slight panic, faced with foods that I know I can't go without, but foods that I am scared I will eat all in one go and have the feelings of guilt/self hatred after...

I kind of realise now that I will really have to try my hardest to eat mindfully, whilst he is away! Easier said then done... I'm scared that if I do eat something that I wanted but after I beat myself up about it, that it will lead to how things were before!

So lets see what the next few days will bring ...

Can't be bothered today

As the title of the post says, I truly can't be bothered today!

Today we had an engineer from BT to set up our fibre optic broadband, YAY! Luckily he didn't mind dogs as Milo was all over him, he soon settled down on the sofa with me having cuddles tho and let the engineer carry on working! Other then that I have been pottering about doing bits in the house. Over eating as well, then beating myself up about it! But hey-ho, I just can't be bothered today!

I have been umming and arring about whether to say what I decided last week. And I thought to myself If I am doing this blog, then I need to be 100% honest at all times. Regardless if some people decide to  judge me for certain choices that I make in my life. I need to put my needs first, not others!

Well following on from my moods last week going from ' I feel like I could take on the world ' to the depths of despair. I contacted my lovely GP and she spoke to me and said that I have come along so far, since the beginning of all of this. She said that she is amazed and impressed that I am not bingeing anymore, which is lovely to hear from a professional. I explained about my moods and she said the best thing would be to stick me on a low dose of anti-depressants. I agreed. The fact that my moods are so up and down, really unsettled me and I am willing to try anything to even them out!
Since starting them last week, I have felt dizzy, sick and had a slight loss of appetite at times, generally before bed, as I take them at bedtime. My GP told me that these will symptoms won't last long, they are already starting to lessen! I won't say it's had a huge affect on me yet, but I can notice small changes...

So today I have been feeling quite unwell. Not sure if this is due to it being my time of the month soon or whether its my diabetes, but I have had a couple of lower blood sugar readings today. So I had a snooze and Milo joined me for cuddles :-)

I suppose I am quite anxious about my diabetic appointment tomorrow as well. Its to apply for more funding from the PCT for another 4 years, for my insulin pump! I really hope that it does get approved, when my consultant sends it off tomorrow!! I don't think I could face going back on injections 4+ times a day!

Hubby is crazy with work, and I miss him lots! But he's due home shortly and I'm going to have dinner ready for him, for when he walks through the door, well try to at least!

Bye for now lovelies xXx

Wow I feel so touched!

I feel so touched that my blog has been viewed over 1000 times, in just over one week!

The reason why I started this blog was primarily for myself, to help me understand my feelings, to help me learn to accept myself as I am and also to help aid my recovery. But it was also to help give others support and to let others know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Although its been a hard 4 months since I binged, its been worth every second of upset and pain!

With the feedback I have received it saddens me that people commend me for being so open, with what I am going through. They are in awe that I discuss so openly about how I feel. How I deal with certain situations, whether it be right or wrong of doing so. Why can't people in society be more open, when they suffer from the same issues that I do? Why are we left to feel ashamed?

So many people suffer from eating disorders, depression and infertility issues, why is it a taboo to discuss these?

Why is it when someone asks you do you want kids, you feel you have to lie to spare that persons feelings and say 'no not yet', when all you want to do is turn around and say 'I'd love a child, we have been trying for almost 4 years but with no success" Well I have been thinking over the last few days, the next person that asks me, I am going to be open with them, not to make the situation awkward but because if I am open with them, then they are aware of what I am going through and I may even start to accept it! Is this the best thing to do? I don't know, but I am going to try it and see how the situation goes...

Why is it when you are with a group people, you don't feel comfortable to eat? You feel as if you are being watched and judged by what you are eating? So you think it's best to not eat or eat little as possible, and wait until you get home, which inevitably leads to a binge, because you are over hungry and have feelings of guilt + self hatred? Well next time I am faced with this situation, I am going to keep telling myself, I can eat what I want but more then that, I am going to eat mindfully and try not to let myself think I am being judged...

Why is it when you are in a dark cloud of depression, you are ashamed and don't want people to know how you truly feel, so you plaster a smile on and try and carry on as normal, around people you don't really know? You are afraid of them referring to you as a 'nutcase' and 'attention seeker'. Well next time I feel sad and depressed, obviously I am going to try and do something to bring myself out of it, by doing something that makes me happy. But if I am sad, then I will not make out I am happy and smiling ...

I suppose this post was just a way of me seeing that I am improving slowly with my confidence. I am learning that I can change certain things in my life, that makes me unhappy. So I can become a happy, confident young lady, that I deserve to be :-)