Realising the need to break out of my comfort zone...

So this is me today! 

I decided that upon looking out the window today and seeing the sun shining, that I would wear my lovely maxi dress and embrace the lovely sun shining! I was feeling happy whilst getting myself ready.

The things I like about myself today are:

• I love the fact that I had the confidence to wear a lovely maxi dress and not feel paranoid at all, about being asked by total strangers, when is my baby due!
• I love the fact that I was very comfortable in what I was wearing.
• I LOVE the fact that I asked my hubby to take a photo of me on the way out earlier, as I thought it would make a fantastic photo for todays blog!
• I love my crazy curly hair! Even more so that we had the windows down on the motorway earlier and it currently resembles a mop ha-ha!
• I love the fact that I took the time to put a little make up on today, to perk me up even more.
• I love the fact that I am starting to, no matter how small the steps maybe, but I am starting to accept small, very small parts of myself! 

I think some of you're comments are true. I feel as if I need to forget about weight loss and my end goal of becoming a mummy, at the moment, but focus on accepting myself and to get my eating behaviour under control. I feel like I need to gain some confidence, so tomorrow, I am going to look into some local classes, that I can meet some other people. I guess I need to take myself out of my comfort zone...

Here it goes...

So many questions...

Today has been a good day! No feelings of anxiety or depression. But I have had lots of questions going through my mind this afternoon...

How do you accept yourself as you are, flaws and all?

How do you not focus on losing weight all the time??

How do you not feel a failure all the time, in what you eat?

How do you change the thoughts every time you eat something, that you are ruining you're chances of losing weight, to get to you're end goal?

How do you learn to love yourself when you have spent so long hating it and ripping every part of it apart?

How do you learn to take compliments of other people and not be thinking 'Why have they said that? Are they saying that because i really look a mess?

How do you stop comparing yourself to the lovely slim women that you see in public?

How do you stop the 'voices' in you're head when you are eating, thinking people are judging you for what you are eating?

How do you feel 'attractive' when you have done you're hair and make up all nice, and then still fat and ugly?

It's so exhausting all day, everyday going through all this! How do you hush all of these negative feelings?


I guess what I am trying to ask is, how do I accept myself as I am, when it makes me so unhappy??

When all I want to look like is this?

Gosh, this is hard work! But d'ya know what? I am certain that all this hard work, will be worth all the tears and upset in the end!!

Slowly getting there :-)

I want to start off with saying how pleased I am that me and my sister-in-law had an open discussion last night, into how we felt about things that had happened in the past between us. We have always had a fiery relationship. I think we were both guilty of not really explaining ourselves properly and reading too much into things and being insensitive to the others feelings. I think not speaking for the last few months has been a good thing, a good thing in the respect that it has given us both time to think about things. But I think we have turned a corner and hope that we manage to be more open with each other from now on :-)

All in all, today has been a good day so far. No anxiety creeping in. No upset. Just finding myself tired. After hubby had left for work, I slept for an extra two and half hours. Feeling more refreshed :-)

Managed to walk Milo in between rain showers as well, which is good. Milo doesn't like rain, he is very pampered and will refuse point blank to walk in the rain! My husbands nanna always jokes with us that we must buy him a 'doggy umbrella', which reminds me I must see if there is such a thing! hee hee! If we try and take him out in the rain, he would just stand there and dig his claws into the ground and refuse to move. But Im happy that we both managed to get out, even if it was only for a short time.

Also had a lovely catch up over the phone with my beautiful best friend! Its crazy we only saw each other 6 days ago, but we miss each others company. We get on so well. We both get that the other person has things going in their own lives at times, but we know we are always there for each other! We can count on each other if the other needed it! Its amazing to know I have someone like that around me, other then my husband :-)

When I woke up from my snooze this morning, I realised that I was hungry. Actually 'hungry' not just eating through boredom or my feelings! Its a lovely moment to feel hunger, it really is! I can honestly say that today I have questioned myself with regards to food, with these following questions...
 *Am I actually hungry? Will this satisfy me? Will this fill me up, until my next meal? Am I eating this through boredom? Am I trying to eat away my emotions?*
I tuned into what my body was telling me at the time, and I went with it. I am sat here feeling satisfied with myself that I have listened to myself today and showed myself love and gratitude. I have treated my body with respect today, the respect that is needed to be at one with myself.

I am slowly learning on this journey of mine, that being open is a good thing! Also that there is nothing to be ashamed about. I don't have to 'pretend' I'm ok anymore and plaster on a smile, when I am not happy! Things are slowly getting good again and I couldn't be more pleased, because deep down I know all of that is down to me :-)

Today is going to carry on being a positive day because it can be and will be!

Mucho love to all xxx

Where to start?

I have been sat here for quite a while, staring at a blank screen, as I didn't know where to start and still don't. I feel ashamed to be writing my true feelings, that others will read, but you know what, I feel like this is helping in my recovery, being open with others. Letting others read my blog, letting others see my true feelings. Letting others see that life isn't always as it seems. I just hope people don't judge me through reading what I am going through. Yes I am struggling at the moment, but you know what I am trying my hardest to beat this!

So i'll start...


Yesterday was a really good, positive and successful day! Because I am not working at the moment, I suggested to my husband we go out for a drive after dinner. Not long after the journey started, I become very upset. After a good cry, my husband asked me "What has happened that made you upset?" I didn't answer, but I sat there for a while trying to think of what it was...

It turned out that earlier that evening, my husband didn't eat all of his dinner, but I did! I was beating myself up about finishing my dinner?! And then I had a yoghurt and some chocolates after... I want this mentality to go! I want to be in control of my eating! I want to be able to enjoy my meals, and finish my meals if I am hungry and not be beside myself, if others around don't finish theres!

After realising why I was so upset. All those horrible, cruel thoughts came flooding in. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, I'm never going to beat this and these feelings + thoughts that I have?

It left me feeling exhausted! So exhausted that we came home and I went straight to bed, to watch some TV. After a while I became more relaxed.

It amazes me how I can be on such a high, being positive with everything in my life, appreciating everything that I have in my life, then like a switch everything can turn into a dark place. A dark place, where I want to hide from everyone, eat lots and inflict pain on myself. It's like I don't have control of my feelings. And this is something that really upsets me.

But you know what?! Today, I am going to try my hardest to remain positive and do some house chores, to keep me busy.

This can't beat me! I am one strong lady! And only I can beat this :-) xxxxxxxx

My tattoo I had a couple of months ago, I am finding myself looking at it a lot more lately!

I need to believe anything is possible! I have the POWER!

Being Positive is AMAZING!!!

Since my post yesterday, I decided that I want to do a positive post. But in order for my post to be positive, I had to have some positive that happened in my day!

After an upsetting morning yesterday, I spent the afternoon catching up on laundry, as it was nice and sunny :-) My husband also managed to finish work early, and he bought me some posh chocolates home. We had a couple each when he got home, I then started cooking dinner and he had another one and offered me one and I said "No thank you"!!!!!!!!!! WOW, I turned down a chocolate, because I didn't fancy one!!!!!!!
What a break through, this is amazing! I am amazing! I listened to my body and I didn't want any chocolate! We had a few more after dinner but there are PLENTY left!!! What a sense of achievement!! I am slowly beating the voice in my head that says, I must finish EVERYTHING in one go!
WOOOHOOOO!! I have the strength to do this :-)

We then spent most of the later afternoon/evening in the garden. I love being in the garden relaxing, it makes me smile!!

Here are some of the photos that I took last night that really did make me smile, laugh and fill my heart even more with LOVE!

Me & Milo!

Me!

One of my cats Smudge!

Milo! 

Me & Milo blowing everyone a kiss!

Me & Milo being silly!

Today I made the decision that I am going to try and make it a positive day! After my husband 'nagging' me to go out for a bike ride, as it always makes me feel happy! Thats what I done. I cycled to the local shops and picked up a few items. I then decided to cycle around the local lake, it was truly beautiful! Yes, there were lots of people about, but you know what? I told myself, I am worthy and I entitled to be happy. It wasn't easy at first but the more I cycled the more, I enjoyed myself. And yes I even cycled on the roads, where there are lots of people and cars!!!! I ROCK! I AM WORTHY! I AM POWERFUL! Here is a photo of the lake I cycled around...

Not a brilliant photo but it is beautiful!

Once I arrived home, Milo was trying to tell me it was his turn to go out! So we got ready and off we went! I had already decided that I was going to take him on the same route that I was going to take him on yesterday, before that horrid man hurled insults at me! So we went out, I held my head high and my back straight. I approached the roundabout, I could feel my heart racing, but I smiled and kept telling myself " You are strong a strong and beautiful lady!" 

And so it was :-)

Roundabout in question!

I then arrived home and was feeling very positive! So I decided to take a few snaps of myself, to make me smile even more :-)

Working the camera! HAHA!

Being silly!

I'm smiling because I have had such a happy day so far!| Oh yeah and I AM BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After a conference call last night (within the private group on facebook) I had a very A-HA moment! I realised that I am the only one that can change. I cannot change other people around me, and there cruel ways but I can change my way of dealing with these situations and I feel strong that I can, within time!

So for the time being, I am going to try and my hardest to focus on things and people that make me feel good about myself and make me smile!

How can strangers be so cruel?

So today started of really positive! I mowed the grass, done a couple of loads of washing, washing up and had a nice shower. I was starting to believe that today was going to be a good day!

I decided on taking Milo on a slightly busier route then yesterday, so I got us both ready to head out. The walk started off with me very happy and smiley, enjoying the sunshine and my surroundings. We then got to the main road, where there is a roundabout. I had to stop to remove a stone that was stuck in my flip flop and was digging into my foot. As I had just started to carry on walking, there was queueing traffic to my right, at the roundabout. The traffic started moving and something made me look up at these cars. As I did, a grown man, yes a grown man, stuck his head out the window, looked at me and shouted "Lose some weight, you fat c**t!" 
It took me a while to process what he had actually said to me, I was frozen to the spot and started to cry! I then walked as fast as I could to get away from the busy roundabout. I changed my route to a much quieter route, where I knew I wouldn't bump into anyone else, wouldn't be confronted with such cruel behaviour from others!

I am left feeling worthless, fat, ugly, scared of going out by myself, like I am being punished for something. 

How do I start to overcome all of these things if this is what I am faced with when I go out by myself? It never happens when I am with my husband. Why do grown men and women think it is acceptable to pick on a vulnerable lady by herself?! Do they not think I have feelings too? 

I cannot let this incident set me back! I am going to try my hardest to beat these bullies and show them, I am worthy of happiness, no matter how hard it may be!

Trying to beat Anxiety!

Since I lost my job beginning of May, I have realised the reasons why I walk my dog Milo on our little estate bit, rather then on busier roads. It is because I want to hide myself away, I don't want people to see 'me', I dont want them to see me and think what a fat ugly mess I am and also I don't want to have to stop and talk to people and they see me 'up close'.

I realised this as I was getting the dog and myself ready for his walk just now, so i said to myself that i needed to try the busier roads today, see how it makes me feel and I felt panicky, my heart was racing and I kept my head down to the floor.

Once home, I couldn't shut the front door fast enough. My heart was racing so fast, sweaty 

palms and felt an intense amount of panic within.

There was another incident last week when I was out cycling on my new bike. I passed a lady, walking her dog, she was a total stranger to me. As I cycled past her she called out to me " Good way to lose the fat", I laughed through shock and amazement that someone could be so cruel and then I called back to her "Cheeky bitchy". Inside I was sobbing, sobbing my heart out. 

It makes me sad to think I hide myself away from the outside world, as I'm frightened of the next comment. I feel my safest when I am with my husband. How do I get more confident, about going out by myself?

I am a good person, worthy of contact with others, aren't I?

How do I learn to love myself, when I am faced with these comments from others? 


I have taken the first step, so I can only see what tomorrow brings...

Feelings on Society!

I am sat here watching a programme called 'Hollywood Me". They makeover the owner of the house to resemble a hollywood star, and then makeover their home. It got me thinking about a few things within our society!

Why does it make me so sad and upset that society has such a bad influence on the way we look? Not only with women but with men and children as well!

Society makes me feel like I am not accepted by everyone, as I am heavily overweight! I feel like people judge me, before they get to know me, because I'm overweight. I feel like some people don't think I am a pretty,  because I carry a few extra stone. Society makes me feel like a unworthy person when I go without make up, don't do my hair nicely, don't wear 'acceptable' clothes, and wear my glasses. Society makes me feel like I am not able to wear 'certain' clothes, as I am fatty!

Going to the local shops is just the same - you're faced with hundreds of magazines with women scantily dressed, looking nice and slim, or magazines saying "lose 1 stone in 4 weeks" and I wonder why I struggle to accept myself as I am?!

In society why is it made acceptable for slim women to wear bikinis but not overweight women?!

I guess this post is me asking myself " How do I start to love me, with all this influence around me?"

This is something I am going to have to work on, I can do this :-)

Why is this acceptable?                                                                          And this isn't?

    

Learning to be open and not feel ashamed

So after my last post, me and my husband spoke. He said that I needed to be more open about my feelings with other people, and not feel ashamed. It dawned on me that I always put other people's feelings first, as I didn't want to make them feel awkward. So I made the decision to be 'open' and post a link to my new blog on Facebook so others could see. As soon as I posted it, I turned to my husband and said "What have I done?!" But shortly after I felt a sense of elation, that I had posted it!

Having suffered from depression, BED and infertility I have always felt ashamed, and never wanted anyone to know that I suffer from these issues. I guess I didn't want to discuss it so openly with people, as I didn't want their pity, I didn't want them to think I was inadequate as a woman, and I certainly didn't want them thinking less of me as a person.

Today has been a true test of my emotions, as it was my best friend's, daughter's birthday. My husband and I went to their house this morning to give presents, and to celebrate with them. I can honestly say I enjoyed every second with her and her family. Seeing how much this little girl is growing into a little lady, with her own personality is amazing to be a part of. She has such a wicked sense of humour, and such a quirky personality. She is getting more vocal by the day, learning new words. She has a little sister that is just as amazing. She is very unique in the respect that she doesn't know whether to laugh or cry at you at times, but she too, is a joy to be around. Their mummy, my best friend, is an amazing mother. She always puts her baby girls before anyone or anything else. She takes them places, teaches them things, and cares for them more then they ever could be.

I am so envious that I am unable to experience all of these things. I long to pee on a stick and see a cross or line, go for you're first scan, and see a baby, feel the baby kick inside you, have the joy of bringing the baby into this big world, nurture the baby, breast feed, change dirty nappies, stimulate the baby and to see the smile on my husband's face whilst he is cradling our baby. Please God, let this happen for us!

After seeing my friend we went into town to grab a few bits, and had lunch. We bumped into a lovely couple that my husband used to house-share with. They have been going through IVF, and are just about to embark on their third go. I really have faith that it will happen this time for them. We have to believe it will, we have nothing more then hope, so we must cling onto this!

We then went and sat down and had our lunch. I felt a pang of jealousy, and started criticising myself. How could I lose weight quickly, so that we too could be referred for IVF? Could I only survive on one meal a day? Could I not eat at all, but just treat hypos? Could I start making myself sick after meals? All the frustration left me determined that we too, would have that!

Last week I started work at a care home in the town where I live, and I saw some pretty horrific things go on there. I only worked there for 3 days! After the third day I realised that I cannot be a part of what I was witnessing. I rung and spoke to the manager and she thanked me for the feedback and said she would simply 'look into it'. I wasn't happy with the reply, so I reported the Care Home to the CQC, and they too, have said they are looking into the complaints I made, by contacting the manager. I felt unhappy with this response, but what more can I do??

Since I had worked at this care home, I have felt a decline in all my issues. Mostly as I am now unemployed and have too much time on my hands, but I am working on it!

I feel kind of nervous that I am posting my true feelings 'out there' for everyone to read, but it is time for me to be brave...

Getting to know me

Well here it is, my first ever blog! Apologies for my appalling grammar/punctuation!

I suppose I should start by introducing myself really. I am Leanne, I am 25 years old. I have been married to my husband for 5 years. I have suffered from Binge Eating most of my life but it got very out of hand when me and my darling husband found out we need IVF in order to conceive. We found out after a year of 'trying'. Since finding out 3 years ago, I have been diagnosed with depression and Binge Eating Disorder. I have received CBT for both, over a year ago, but am of the firm belief that you need to be in the right frame of mind to accept help and quite frankly, I was not at the time. 

Whilst awaiting my CBT to begin, I started attending a 'Support Group' within the community, met other people suffering from BED. It was nice to be able to speak openly with other people, people that wouldn't judge you as they understood.

I have also suffered from Self-Harm. I hate to admit this, as I feel like people will think less of me, but at the time, it was my way of coping, be it right or wrong. I almost felt a realise of my emotions in doing this as it took away the desire to 'binge'.

Over a year ago, I joined a group on Facebook (for people with BED) and it's a really supportive little community. There is always someone there, whether its to get advice or support. The founder of the group, Stefanie, has helped me tremendously in recovering from my BED. 

After a really tough few days in February 2013, I sought Stefanie out for some desperate advice and she answered me. She showed me that I am a beautiful young lady, worthy of happiness. She told me that I can do this. Since that day - 14th February 2013 - I have been 'binge free'. Yes, I still overeat at times, eat through comfort, eat through boredom, eat through my emotions, but I am slowly learning to deal with this. I have realised that it is a long road to recovery and it may not always been a smooth ride, but you know what, I am going to do this!! :-)

Infertility side of things, I struggle to get my head around. I get upset at seeing a pregnant lady in the street, a mummy pushing her baby in a pram, my friends/family announcing they are expecting, spending time around babies and lastly people asking me the inevitable question of "You've been married for 5 years, when are you going to try for a baby", when inside all I want to do is scream and shout at this person that it has been almost 4 long years that we have been trying, and we need help to conceive. 

In order for me and my husband to go forward with fertility treatment I must lose 3 stone before we are even considered to be referred to the local PCT for funding. I have no faith/self-belief or confidence that this will ever happen. Sometimes when I see friends or families' babies, I feel like I just want to break down and cry as I feel like it is never going to happen for us. How do I lose 3 stone, when I am recovering from BED?! The answer I am slowly learning is that I need to start to love myself more, the way I look, the way I feel and to have more self compassion.

This blog is going to be about myself writing my feelings, thoughts, be it negative or positive and to slowly learn to love myself with the magic of 'Self Portrait'. My husband is going to slowly give me photography lessons so I can try and take 'Self Portraits' with every emotion, so I can look at them and to start to love myself, warts and all!

If you have made it this far, I congratulate you!