struggling a little

As the title to this post says, over the last couple of days, I have found myself struggling a little.
Struggling in respect to feeling a little overwhelmed with my eating and my depression. I am trying to not let it affect me too much. I am trying to focus on things that have and do make me happy, which seems to be helping.
I think me struggling a little over the last few days, has a little to do with me deleting my Facebook account. On Facebook, I used to spend a lot of time on their wasting away hours at a time, talking to people, looking at peoples accounts. So I kind of guess, I'm learning to do things other then Facebook, which is amazingly good :-) Its lovely, to not rely on Facebook for my entertainment.

I am becoming a little obsessed with my eating again, which isn't good, I realise that. But I am working on it. I find myself obsessing about what I am going to eat for all my meals that day, thinking of things that are in the house that I could eat! I am trying to sit with these feelings, rather then giving in! It's not easy but I am 100% certain, it's worth the fight!

Struggling in this hot lovely weather! It's lovely but it is a little too stifling, especially at night. But I hope it stays when we go on our holidays :-) Relaxing on the beach, going for walks and just chilling out with my hubby and Milo will be lovely!

I have been a very lucky girl and received some lovely early birthday gifts :-) Hubby has got me a lovely eternity ring and my parents have treated me to some lovely summer clothes!

My best friend has been away on holidays for a week and I am missing her! Hopefully will get the chance to meet up with her before I go on mine :-)

So here it goes for a positive day and not giving in to the bad and depressive thoughts :-)

Facebook is the route of all evil!

So I have come to the conclusion that Facebook is the route of all evil!

I have realised since deleting my account, how unhappy it was making me. Or how unhappy I was making myself, looking at others accounts and looking at their photos of their families. Which in turn led to feelings of intense jealousy, empty feeling within myself and constantly comparing myself to others.
It was like I was torturing myself looking at others accounts. Almost like I was saying to myself "Look at what you can't have!" Well you know what, I will have it! I just do not know when it will happen!
I will prove to everyone that I am strong enough to come through all of this!

I won't lie, I was spending far too much time on Facebook and it was becoming addictive! I feel my depression is slowly improving, since deleting my account! I am finding myself not eating as much through boredom, which is a turnaround for the books!

I do think one of the many reasons I was on Facebook, was to talk to friends'' to keep myself company, whilst hubby was out at work. But I have come to realise that these people were/are not my true friends! They weren't/aren't picking up the phone, texting me, emailing me, or even messaging me on Facebook when I was on there. It was all me, talking to others. All one sided. I guess I kind of grew tired of me ALWAYS initiating conversation with others. So I guess I'll find out who my true friends are, if they contact me in any other means other than Facebook!

I am finding myself excited about going away for a few days to see family. Also looking forward to be sat on the beach with a picnic, going for walks, sitting in the garden, going for afternoon tea and just having fun! I am a little anxious about how I will deal with my emotions, but I feel able to tackle these head on :-) I am strong and I am worthy of happiness!

I am loving the fact that my depression seems to be slowly lifting, and being slowly replaced with happiness and laughter. Having lovely weather may be also helping, as I am out in the garden a lot! Who knows? But you know what? I am going to work my hardest for my new found growing happiness and laughter to stay :-)

Onwards and Upwards

In my post today, I just want to clarify a few things. After one person leaving rude, inappropriate, argumentative and insulting comments directed at myself, on my last blog. I just wanted to make people aware why I write my blog.

I write my blog for me, a place so I can write down my true feelings. This blog is about me learning to love myself and trying to come to terms with how things are going on in my life. This blog was not started for people to give me sympathy. If anything, it was also to make people aware of how I am feeling. I reached a point in my life, where I didn't want to hide my feelings from anyone any longer. 

So I have now removed the 'comments' section, as I felt negative comments are detrimental to my recovery. Some people may suggest I am burying my head in the sand, but I feel I have to do this and put myself and my recovery first!

I have also deleted my Facebook account, as this person was 'anonymous', I feel as if I can't trust anyone 100%. Also I was looking at other peoples profiles, seeing photos of their happy families and reading about what they were up to. As a consequence I felt intense jealously and fuelling my depression even further. Also it was getting additive for me. So I have removed myself from this situation, until I feel stronger to deal with it head on!

I realise by putting my true feelings out there for the 'public' to view, I was always open to negative comments, but it doesn't make it any easier to cope with. 

So for now I am going to carry on as I am with this blog, with just the small change of doing away with the comments. I am going to try and be much more positive and enjoy life! Enjoy the things that I am forever grateful for in life, my darling, gorgeous, caring, attentive husband, our gorgeous pets and of course family and friends! I am going to try and focus on being positive and not focusing on the negatives in life all the time!

Sod what anyone else thinks of me! I am going to do this for me and my darling husband!!! :-)

Onwards and Upwards is the only way forward for me

Diabetes sucks!

So last night was an experience...

My sugar levels were around 26, when I had my dinner so done a correction, still didn't go down, so done another correction, still didn't go down. So changed my infusion set on my pump, still didn't go down... 

Decided the best thing was to go to A& E, as I could be in DKA. Arrived at A & E, and it was so busy! So hubby checked me in, whilst waiting for the nurse, I kept going to the loo. I started to feel really unwell, just wanting to close my eyes and sleep, wanting to be sick, blurred eye sight, dizzy, banging headache and not really aware of what was going on around me. So hubby tested my sugar levels again and they had gone up. I told him to go and find a nurse, within 5 mins I was being assessed. 

They wanted to get me on a drip asap, urine & blood sample. I couldn't stand long enough to walk through the ward, so had to be wheeled through in a wheelchair. 

Luckily there were no signs of ketones in my urine, so I was put on fluids to try and bring down my levels. Within an hour or so, I think, they had come down to 15. I then asked the nurse, what else they were doing for me, she said they were just waiting for the Doctor to see me, to check my bloods. I explained that my sugar levels were now coming down and I can keep a close eye on them at home, and said I wanted to discharge myself. She agreed, signed the papers, we then went home.

 

At some point in the morning, I had a hypo, typical! Anyone thats diabetic, will know when you correct a high, its likely it will drop too low... 

Woke up properly this morning and feel like I have been hit by a truck! Spent the day in bed resting and awaiting a delivery (thats a whole different story!)

Now I am awaiting my lovely hubby coming home from work, as he went into work late, as he was looking after me. 

I feel a little better, but still exhausted. Hopefully a good nights sleep tonight, will help me out :-)

Diabetes sucks!! 

What you feel like with high sugar levels!

A small Victory!

Today I spent the morning around my beautiful friends house! Had a lovely time with her and her beautiful girls. She was also babysitting her cousins little one as well. Had a lovely catch up with her.
I totally forgot that it was playgroup today for the kiddies. I won't lie, I felt a little overwhelmed, especially with how my emotions have been lately. Felt a little panicky on the walk there and when we first arrived as there was a pregnant woman and toddlers running around!
It saddens me that my friend got upset with how I was, instead of enjoying time with her beautiful babies... I told her don't be daft, sometimes I got to push myself into situations that make me uneasy, to break through the way that I am feeling to become happier :-)
But you know what I am soooooooooo pleased, I faced this! When I reflect upon my morning, I have achieved so much :-) It just goes to show when you push you're comfort boundaries, its worth it!

I am so happy that I have a great friend and she looks out for how I feel. But I don't want her to be preoccupied with how I am feeling, I want her to enjoy spending time with her little ladies as well as me, and not feel sad for me!

So today is a positive post, with positive vibes! Onwards and Upwards!

This is how I  feel right now :-)

I am strong and I am a fighter :-)

Today I am feeling very happy and excited that my lovely hubby is coming home!

Today I feel joy about everything in life! I feel like I am slowly making progress, even if it doesn't always feel that way! 

I feel total elation that I baked a lovely cake yesterday, but I only had one small slice! And I didn't/don't feel the need to eat anymore... 

I feel life is testing me right now, but you know what? I am strong and I am a fighter ;-) 

Feeling nice and summery today! 

The cake I baked yesterday, pretty proud of it!

Me and Casper messing about last night!

Only 1 cat missing! All keeping me company!

Mucho love to all xxxx

Feeling vulnerable

Today I'm not sure how I feel. Part of me feels ashamed that last night, as I was alone and was upset, I turned to self-harm. I know this isn't the answer, and yes I do feel ashamed. But I think I have to accept that I done it and move on, as feeling ashamed isn't going to help myself out of this situation!

Today I feel a sense of emptiness around me. I feel a sense of inadequacy, with how I dealt with my emotions yesterday but more how I 'accepted' the news. 'New Baby' announcements should be joyous occasions, enjoyed by all! I hate that whilst I feel happiness and excitement for the parents, there are so many parts of me that feel upset, empty, worthless, inadequate, shame and vulnerable all at the same time! I hate that the sheer mention of babies, seeing babies in the street, seeing or hearing of pregnant women, seeing or hearing 'new baby' announcements leave me feeling really vulnerable and not knowing how to deal with this emotion.

Today I woke, thinking I heard my husband's voice saying hello to Milo! In my confused, half asleep state, I turned over and he wasn't there! I miss him. I wish he was here to give me a cuddle and tell me, everything is going to be ok.

Today I have baked him a chocolate and orange cake (just got the icing left to do), for when he returns home tomorrow! I am looking forward to spending the weekend with my love, as he has been extra busy with work lately. So the sun will be shining and I hope we can get out and enjoy it some of it!
I will also be dragging him to Bingo, as I received 'free' tickets for us both, so should be fun!
It's a struggle trying to think of things to do that doesn't cost too much money, as I am out of work at the moment, so money is tight!

Today I have gone on a cycle ride to the local shops and taken the dog out for a walk. It felt nice to get out in the fresh air. Makes me happy going out on my bike, even if I am not 100% confident riding it! Im getting there slowly :-)

Today I have also been watching some TED talks of Brene Brown, she talks a lot about shame and vulnerability. A few of the things she said has really struck a cord in me " Stop looking outside yourself for external validation. Own you're own story!"and "What we need in the world, is love sweet love. Fierce love! Courageous love for each other!". She also goes on to answer a question, from the audience about women dealing with infertility. "Women seek empathy for the pain they are in about not becoming a mum. Then some people offer sympathy stories, leading that woman to suffer shame!"
I know that I can only talk for myself, but on the rare occasions I want to talk about infertility, I don't want sympathy stories. I don't want people to say "I know someone that tried for 10 years and finally fell pregnant", "Don't think about it and it will happen", "Don't stress" etc etc. I know people feel well, but it leaves me feeling worse emotionally, a failure!

Today I long for the day that I can accept this situation, so I am able to move forward in my path, to finally conceiving our baby! I long to be on cloud nine and announcing that me and my husband are going to be parents and I do believe that one day, it will happen, but who knows when?

Today, for the rest of the day, I am going to get in my pyjamas, chill out and hide from the world!

Today I feel lonely, ashamed, extremely vulnerable and in need of a cuddle from my husband.

Upset, tearful, angry, jealousy, ashamed and remorseful!

As the title of this post says, at this moment in time I am feeling a mixture of emotions. I feel upset, I feel tearful, I feel angry, I feel jealousy, I feel ashamed and most of all I feel remorseful that I feel these certain emotions.

I feel upset that my brother in law and sister in law have given birth to their beautiful daughter today, their second child. I feel upset that its not me and my husband. I feel upset in the time that me and my husband have been trying, they have had 2 babies.

I feel tearful that I'm not a mummy. I feel tearful that I am faced with IVF, the weeks/months of injections, scans, procedures and the possibility that I may go through all of this and it may not even get me pregnant.

I feel angry that I am being faced with this. I am angry that me and my husband have been trying for a baby for almost 4 years, and not even a hint of a positive pregnancy test, NOTHING!

I feel intense jealously that there are so many people around falling pregnant and becoming mummy's around me, and there's nothing I can do about it! I have to hold other peoples newborn babies whilst inside I am crying like a baby myself! I want to be holding mine and my husband's baby! I want to be a mummy! I want this jealousy to go...

I feel ashamed that I cannot deal with my emotions about this! I feel ashamed, that although I am incredibly upset right now, I am not really allowing myself to cry, to cry buckets like I want too!

I feel remorseful that I feel these feelings about others. I don't want them to feel its directed at 'them' as such, because it isn't! It comes from my feelings surrounding my situation and I don't know how to deal with them...

I am sitting here sit with fear! Fear in the respect that I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do with myself, do I allow these emotions to keep stirring in my mind, and sit with them? Question them?
I feel an increased sense of emptiness! Pit of the stomach sickness! Shaky with emotions and fear! I feel an increased sense of shame and vulnerability right now!

I don't know where to turn as my husband is away with work. I feel like I just want to be by myself and be in my own company right now. Right this moment, I want to nourish and be kind to myself. But I am really struggling, so I am going to curl up on the sofa and have cuddles with my little Milo!

Faced with panic in the supermarket!

So I have been feeling quite lethargic today! Difficult to motivate myself to do anything. So I just pottered around the house this afternoon. After going to the hospital this morning and then briefly seeing my friend.

My mum sent me a photo of her cake that she baked today and it looked lovely. So I have decided that I am going to bake my husband a lovely chocolate orange cake, for when he returns home.
I get enjoyment out of baking, its something that I really love to do!

The hubby is going away for a couple of days with work soon and I felt I had to go to the supermarket to grab a few things, to see me through, whilst he is gone. Well it was the first time in ages that I started to go into a slight panic, faced with foods that I know I can't go without, but foods that I am scared I will eat all in one go and have the feelings of guilt/self hatred after...

I kind of realise now that I will really have to try my hardest to eat mindfully, whilst he is away! Easier said then done... I'm scared that if I do eat something that I wanted but after I beat myself up about it, that it will lead to how things were before!

So lets see what the next few days will bring ...

Can't be bothered today

As the title of the post says, I truly can't be bothered today!

Today we had an engineer from BT to set up our fibre optic broadband, YAY! Luckily he didn't mind dogs as Milo was all over him, he soon settled down on the sofa with me having cuddles tho and let the engineer carry on working! Other then that I have been pottering about doing bits in the house. Over eating as well, then beating myself up about it! But hey-ho, I just can't be bothered today!

I have been umming and arring about whether to say what I decided last week. And I thought to myself If I am doing this blog, then I need to be 100% honest at all times. Regardless if some people decide to  judge me for certain choices that I make in my life. I need to put my needs first, not others!

Well following on from my moods last week going from ' I feel like I could take on the world ' to the depths of despair. I contacted my lovely GP and she spoke to me and said that I have come along so far, since the beginning of all of this. She said that she is amazed and impressed that I am not bingeing anymore, which is lovely to hear from a professional. I explained about my moods and she said the best thing would be to stick me on a low dose of anti-depressants. I agreed. The fact that my moods are so up and down, really unsettled me and I am willing to try anything to even them out!
Since starting them last week, I have felt dizzy, sick and had a slight loss of appetite at times, generally before bed, as I take them at bedtime. My GP told me that these will symptoms won't last long, they are already starting to lessen! I won't say it's had a huge affect on me yet, but I can notice small changes...

So today I have been feeling quite unwell. Not sure if this is due to it being my time of the month soon or whether its my diabetes, but I have had a couple of lower blood sugar readings today. So I had a snooze and Milo joined me for cuddles :-)

I suppose I am quite anxious about my diabetic appointment tomorrow as well. Its to apply for more funding from the PCT for another 4 years, for my insulin pump! I really hope that it does get approved, when my consultant sends it off tomorrow!! I don't think I could face going back on injections 4+ times a day!

Hubby is crazy with work, and I miss him lots! But he's due home shortly and I'm going to have dinner ready for him, for when he walks through the door, well try to at least!

Bye for now lovelies xXx

Wow I feel so touched!

I feel so touched that my blog has been viewed over 1000 times, in just over one week!

The reason why I started this blog was primarily for myself, to help me understand my feelings, to help me learn to accept myself as I am and also to help aid my recovery. But it was also to help give others support and to let others know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Although its been a hard 4 months since I binged, its been worth every second of upset and pain!

With the feedback I have received it saddens me that people commend me for being so open, with what I am going through. They are in awe that I discuss so openly about how I feel. How I deal with certain situations, whether it be right or wrong of doing so. Why can't people in society be more open, when they suffer from the same issues that I do? Why are we left to feel ashamed?

So many people suffer from eating disorders, depression and infertility issues, why is it a taboo to discuss these?

Why is it when someone asks you do you want kids, you feel you have to lie to spare that persons feelings and say 'no not yet', when all you want to do is turn around and say 'I'd love a child, we have been trying for almost 4 years but with no success" Well I have been thinking over the last few days, the next person that asks me, I am going to be open with them, not to make the situation awkward but because if I am open with them, then they are aware of what I am going through and I may even start to accept it! Is this the best thing to do? I don't know, but I am going to try it and see how the situation goes...

Why is it when you are with a group people, you don't feel comfortable to eat? You feel as if you are being watched and judged by what you are eating? So you think it's best to not eat or eat little as possible, and wait until you get home, which inevitably leads to a binge, because you are over hungry and have feelings of guilt + self hatred? Well next time I am faced with this situation, I am going to keep telling myself, I can eat what I want but more then that, I am going to eat mindfully and try not to let myself think I am being judged...

Why is it when you are in a dark cloud of depression, you are ashamed and don't want people to know how you truly feel, so you plaster a smile on and try and carry on as normal, around people you don't really know? You are afraid of them referring to you as a 'nutcase' and 'attention seeker'. Well next time I feel sad and depressed, obviously I am going to try and do something to bring myself out of it, by doing something that makes me happy. But if I am sad, then I will not make out I am happy and smiling ...

I suppose this post was just a way of me seeing that I am improving slowly with my confidence. I am learning that I can change certain things in my life, that makes me unhappy. So I can become a happy, confident young lady, that I deserve to be :-)

Realising the need to break out of my comfort zone...

So this is me today! 

I decided that upon looking out the window today and seeing the sun shining, that I would wear my lovely maxi dress and embrace the lovely sun shining! I was feeling happy whilst getting myself ready.

The things I like about myself today are:

• I love the fact that I had the confidence to wear a lovely maxi dress and not feel paranoid at all, about being asked by total strangers, when is my baby due!
• I love the fact that I was very comfortable in what I was wearing.
• I LOVE the fact that I asked my hubby to take a photo of me on the way out earlier, as I thought it would make a fantastic photo for todays blog!
• I love my crazy curly hair! Even more so that we had the windows down on the motorway earlier and it currently resembles a mop ha-ha!
• I love the fact that I took the time to put a little make up on today, to perk me up even more.
• I love the fact that I am starting to, no matter how small the steps maybe, but I am starting to accept small, very small parts of myself! 

I think some of you're comments are true. I feel as if I need to forget about weight loss and my end goal of becoming a mummy, at the moment, but focus on accepting myself and to get my eating behaviour under control. I feel like I need to gain some confidence, so tomorrow, I am going to look into some local classes, that I can meet some other people. I guess I need to take myself out of my comfort zone...

Here it goes...

So many questions...

Today has been a good day! No feelings of anxiety or depression. But I have had lots of questions going through my mind this afternoon...

How do you accept yourself as you are, flaws and all?

How do you not focus on losing weight all the time??

How do you not feel a failure all the time, in what you eat?

How do you change the thoughts every time you eat something, that you are ruining you're chances of losing weight, to get to you're end goal?

How do you learn to love yourself when you have spent so long hating it and ripping every part of it apart?

How do you learn to take compliments of other people and not be thinking 'Why have they said that? Are they saying that because i really look a mess?

How do you stop comparing yourself to the lovely slim women that you see in public?

How do you stop the 'voices' in you're head when you are eating, thinking people are judging you for what you are eating?

How do you feel 'attractive' when you have done you're hair and make up all nice, and then still fat and ugly?

It's so exhausting all day, everyday going through all this! How do you hush all of these negative feelings?


I guess what I am trying to ask is, how do I accept myself as I am, when it makes me so unhappy??

When all I want to look like is this?

Gosh, this is hard work! But d'ya know what? I am certain that all this hard work, will be worth all the tears and upset in the end!!

Slowly getting there :-)

I want to start off with saying how pleased I am that me and my sister-in-law had an open discussion last night, into how we felt about things that had happened in the past between us. We have always had a fiery relationship. I think we were both guilty of not really explaining ourselves properly and reading too much into things and being insensitive to the others feelings. I think not speaking for the last few months has been a good thing, a good thing in the respect that it has given us both time to think about things. But I think we have turned a corner and hope that we manage to be more open with each other from now on :-)

All in all, today has been a good day so far. No anxiety creeping in. No upset. Just finding myself tired. After hubby had left for work, I slept for an extra two and half hours. Feeling more refreshed :-)

Managed to walk Milo in between rain showers as well, which is good. Milo doesn't like rain, he is very pampered and will refuse point blank to walk in the rain! My husbands nanna always jokes with us that we must buy him a 'doggy umbrella', which reminds me I must see if there is such a thing! hee hee! If we try and take him out in the rain, he would just stand there and dig his claws into the ground and refuse to move. But Im happy that we both managed to get out, even if it was only for a short time.

Also had a lovely catch up over the phone with my beautiful best friend! Its crazy we only saw each other 6 days ago, but we miss each others company. We get on so well. We both get that the other person has things going in their own lives at times, but we know we are always there for each other! We can count on each other if the other needed it! Its amazing to know I have someone like that around me, other then my husband :-)

When I woke up from my snooze this morning, I realised that I was hungry. Actually 'hungry' not just eating through boredom or my feelings! Its a lovely moment to feel hunger, it really is! I can honestly say that today I have questioned myself with regards to food, with these following questions...
 *Am I actually hungry? Will this satisfy me? Will this fill me up, until my next meal? Am I eating this through boredom? Am I trying to eat away my emotions?*
I tuned into what my body was telling me at the time, and I went with it. I am sat here feeling satisfied with myself that I have listened to myself today and showed myself love and gratitude. I have treated my body with respect today, the respect that is needed to be at one with myself.

I am slowly learning on this journey of mine, that being open is a good thing! Also that there is nothing to be ashamed about. I don't have to 'pretend' I'm ok anymore and plaster on a smile, when I am not happy! Things are slowly getting good again and I couldn't be more pleased, because deep down I know all of that is down to me :-)

Today is going to carry on being a positive day because it can be and will be!

Mucho love to all xxx

Where to start?

I have been sat here for quite a while, staring at a blank screen, as I didn't know where to start and still don't. I feel ashamed to be writing my true feelings, that others will read, but you know what, I feel like this is helping in my recovery, being open with others. Letting others read my blog, letting others see my true feelings. Letting others see that life isn't always as it seems. I just hope people don't judge me through reading what I am going through. Yes I am struggling at the moment, but you know what I am trying my hardest to beat this!

So i'll start...


Yesterday was a really good, positive and successful day! Because I am not working at the moment, I suggested to my husband we go out for a drive after dinner. Not long after the journey started, I become very upset. After a good cry, my husband asked me "What has happened that made you upset?" I didn't answer, but I sat there for a while trying to think of what it was...

It turned out that earlier that evening, my husband didn't eat all of his dinner, but I did! I was beating myself up about finishing my dinner?! And then I had a yoghurt and some chocolates after... I want this mentality to go! I want to be in control of my eating! I want to be able to enjoy my meals, and finish my meals if I am hungry and not be beside myself, if others around don't finish theres!

After realising why I was so upset. All those horrible, cruel thoughts came flooding in. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, I'm never going to beat this and these feelings + thoughts that I have?

It left me feeling exhausted! So exhausted that we came home and I went straight to bed, to watch some TV. After a while I became more relaxed.

It amazes me how I can be on such a high, being positive with everything in my life, appreciating everything that I have in my life, then like a switch everything can turn into a dark place. A dark place, where I want to hide from everyone, eat lots and inflict pain on myself. It's like I don't have control of my feelings. And this is something that really upsets me.

But you know what?! Today, I am going to try my hardest to remain positive and do some house chores, to keep me busy.

This can't beat me! I am one strong lady! And only I can beat this :-) xxxxxxxx

My tattoo I had a couple of months ago, I am finding myself looking at it a lot more lately!

I need to believe anything is possible! I have the POWER!

Being Positive is AMAZING!!!

Since my post yesterday, I decided that I want to do a positive post. But in order for my post to be positive, I had to have some positive that happened in my day!

After an upsetting morning yesterday, I spent the afternoon catching up on laundry, as it was nice and sunny :-) My husband also managed to finish work early, and he bought me some posh chocolates home. We had a couple each when he got home, I then started cooking dinner and he had another one and offered me one and I said "No thank you"!!!!!!!!!! WOW, I turned down a chocolate, because I didn't fancy one!!!!!!!
What a break through, this is amazing! I am amazing! I listened to my body and I didn't want any chocolate! We had a few more after dinner but there are PLENTY left!!! What a sense of achievement!! I am slowly beating the voice in my head that says, I must finish EVERYTHING in one go!
WOOOHOOOO!! I have the strength to do this :-)

We then spent most of the later afternoon/evening in the garden. I love being in the garden relaxing, it makes me smile!!

Here are some of the photos that I took last night that really did make me smile, laugh and fill my heart even more with LOVE!

Me & Milo!

Me!

One of my cats Smudge!

Milo! 

Me & Milo blowing everyone a kiss!

Me & Milo being silly!

Today I made the decision that I am going to try and make it a positive day! After my husband 'nagging' me to go out for a bike ride, as it always makes me feel happy! Thats what I done. I cycled to the local shops and picked up a few items. I then decided to cycle around the local lake, it was truly beautiful! Yes, there were lots of people about, but you know what? I told myself, I am worthy and I entitled to be happy. It wasn't easy at first but the more I cycled the more, I enjoyed myself. And yes I even cycled on the roads, where there are lots of people and cars!!!! I ROCK! I AM WORTHY! I AM POWERFUL! Here is a photo of the lake I cycled around...

Not a brilliant photo but it is beautiful!

Once I arrived home, Milo was trying to tell me it was his turn to go out! So we got ready and off we went! I had already decided that I was going to take him on the same route that I was going to take him on yesterday, before that horrid man hurled insults at me! So we went out, I held my head high and my back straight. I approached the roundabout, I could feel my heart racing, but I smiled and kept telling myself " You are strong a strong and beautiful lady!" 

And so it was :-)

Roundabout in question!

I then arrived home and was feeling very positive! So I decided to take a few snaps of myself, to make me smile even more :-)

Working the camera! HAHA!

Being silly!

I'm smiling because I have had such a happy day so far!| Oh yeah and I AM BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After a conference call last night (within the private group on facebook) I had a very A-HA moment! I realised that I am the only one that can change. I cannot change other people around me, and there cruel ways but I can change my way of dealing with these situations and I feel strong that I can, within time!

So for the time being, I am going to try and my hardest to focus on things and people that make me feel good about myself and make me smile!

How can strangers be so cruel?

So today started of really positive! I mowed the grass, done a couple of loads of washing, washing up and had a nice shower. I was starting to believe that today was going to be a good day!

I decided on taking Milo on a slightly busier route then yesterday, so I got us both ready to head out. The walk started off with me very happy and smiley, enjoying the sunshine and my surroundings. We then got to the main road, where there is a roundabout. I had to stop to remove a stone that was stuck in my flip flop and was digging into my foot. As I had just started to carry on walking, there was queueing traffic to my right, at the roundabout. The traffic started moving and something made me look up at these cars. As I did, a grown man, yes a grown man, stuck his head out the window, looked at me and shouted "Lose some weight, you fat c**t!" 
It took me a while to process what he had actually said to me, I was frozen to the spot and started to cry! I then walked as fast as I could to get away from the busy roundabout. I changed my route to a much quieter route, where I knew I wouldn't bump into anyone else, wouldn't be confronted with such cruel behaviour from others!

I am left feeling worthless, fat, ugly, scared of going out by myself, like I am being punished for something. 

How do I start to overcome all of these things if this is what I am faced with when I go out by myself? It never happens when I am with my husband. Why do grown men and women think it is acceptable to pick on a vulnerable lady by herself?! Do they not think I have feelings too? 

I cannot let this incident set me back! I am going to try my hardest to beat these bullies and show them, I am worthy of happiness, no matter how hard it may be!

Trying to beat Anxiety!

Since I lost my job beginning of May, I have realised the reasons why I walk my dog Milo on our little estate bit, rather then on busier roads. It is because I want to hide myself away, I don't want people to see 'me', I dont want them to see me and think what a fat ugly mess I am and also I don't want to have to stop and talk to people and they see me 'up close'.

I realised this as I was getting the dog and myself ready for his walk just now, so i said to myself that i needed to try the busier roads today, see how it makes me feel and I felt panicky, my heart was racing and I kept my head down to the floor.

Once home, I couldn't shut the front door fast enough. My heart was racing so fast, sweaty 

palms and felt an intense amount of panic within.

There was another incident last week when I was out cycling on my new bike. I passed a lady, walking her dog, she was a total stranger to me. As I cycled past her she called out to me " Good way to lose the fat", I laughed through shock and amazement that someone could be so cruel and then I called back to her "Cheeky bitchy". Inside I was sobbing, sobbing my heart out. 

It makes me sad to think I hide myself away from the outside world, as I'm frightened of the next comment. I feel my safest when I am with my husband. How do I get more confident, about going out by myself?

I am a good person, worthy of contact with others, aren't I?

How do I learn to love myself, when I am faced with these comments from others? 


I have taken the first step, so I can only see what tomorrow brings...

Feelings on Society!

I am sat here watching a programme called 'Hollywood Me". They makeover the owner of the house to resemble a hollywood star, and then makeover their home. It got me thinking about a few things within our society!

Why does it make me so sad and upset that society has such a bad influence on the way we look? Not only with women but with men and children as well!

Society makes me feel like I am not accepted by everyone, as I am heavily overweight! I feel like people judge me, before they get to know me, because I'm overweight. I feel like some people don't think I am a pretty,  because I carry a few extra stone. Society makes me feel like a unworthy person when I go without make up, don't do my hair nicely, don't wear 'acceptable' clothes, and wear my glasses. Society makes me feel like I am not able to wear 'certain' clothes, as I am fatty!

Going to the local shops is just the same - you're faced with hundreds of magazines with women scantily dressed, looking nice and slim, or magazines saying "lose 1 stone in 4 weeks" and I wonder why I struggle to accept myself as I am?!

In society why is it made acceptable for slim women to wear bikinis but not overweight women?!

I guess this post is me asking myself " How do I start to love me, with all this influence around me?"

This is something I am going to have to work on, I can do this :-)

Why is this acceptable?                                                                          And this isn't?

    

Learning to be open and not feel ashamed

So after my last post, me and my husband spoke. He said that I needed to be more open about my feelings with other people, and not feel ashamed. It dawned on me that I always put other people's feelings first, as I didn't want to make them feel awkward. So I made the decision to be 'open' and post a link to my new blog on Facebook so others could see. As soon as I posted it, I turned to my husband and said "What have I done?!" But shortly after I felt a sense of elation, that I had posted it!

Having suffered from depression, BED and infertility I have always felt ashamed, and never wanted anyone to know that I suffer from these issues. I guess I didn't want to discuss it so openly with people, as I didn't want their pity, I didn't want them to think I was inadequate as a woman, and I certainly didn't want them thinking less of me as a person.

Today has been a true test of my emotions, as it was my best friend's, daughter's birthday. My husband and I went to their house this morning to give presents, and to celebrate with them. I can honestly say I enjoyed every second with her and her family. Seeing how much this little girl is growing into a little lady, with her own personality is amazing to be a part of. She has such a wicked sense of humour, and such a quirky personality. She is getting more vocal by the day, learning new words. She has a little sister that is just as amazing. She is very unique in the respect that she doesn't know whether to laugh or cry at you at times, but she too, is a joy to be around. Their mummy, my best friend, is an amazing mother. She always puts her baby girls before anyone or anything else. She takes them places, teaches them things, and cares for them more then they ever could be.

I am so envious that I am unable to experience all of these things. I long to pee on a stick and see a cross or line, go for you're first scan, and see a baby, feel the baby kick inside you, have the joy of bringing the baby into this big world, nurture the baby, breast feed, change dirty nappies, stimulate the baby and to see the smile on my husband's face whilst he is cradling our baby. Please God, let this happen for us!

After seeing my friend we went into town to grab a few bits, and had lunch. We bumped into a lovely couple that my husband used to house-share with. They have been going through IVF, and are just about to embark on their third go. I really have faith that it will happen this time for them. We have to believe it will, we have nothing more then hope, so we must cling onto this!

We then went and sat down and had our lunch. I felt a pang of jealousy, and started criticising myself. How could I lose weight quickly, so that we too could be referred for IVF? Could I only survive on one meal a day? Could I not eat at all, but just treat hypos? Could I start making myself sick after meals? All the frustration left me determined that we too, would have that!

Last week I started work at a care home in the town where I live, and I saw some pretty horrific things go on there. I only worked there for 3 days! After the third day I realised that I cannot be a part of what I was witnessing. I rung and spoke to the manager and she thanked me for the feedback and said she would simply 'look into it'. I wasn't happy with the reply, so I reported the Care Home to the CQC, and they too, have said they are looking into the complaints I made, by contacting the manager. I felt unhappy with this response, but what more can I do??

Since I had worked at this care home, I have felt a decline in all my issues. Mostly as I am now unemployed and have too much time on my hands, but I am working on it!

I feel kind of nervous that I am posting my true feelings 'out there' for everyone to read, but it is time for me to be brave...

Getting to know me

Well here it is, my first ever blog! Apologies for my appalling grammar/punctuation!

I suppose I should start by introducing myself really. I am Leanne, I am 25 years old. I have been married to my husband for 5 years. I have suffered from Binge Eating most of my life but it got very out of hand when me and my darling husband found out we need IVF in order to conceive. We found out after a year of 'trying'. Since finding out 3 years ago, I have been diagnosed with depression and Binge Eating Disorder. I have received CBT for both, over a year ago, but am of the firm belief that you need to be in the right frame of mind to accept help and quite frankly, I was not at the time. 

Whilst awaiting my CBT to begin, I started attending a 'Support Group' within the community, met other people suffering from BED. It was nice to be able to speak openly with other people, people that wouldn't judge you as they understood.

I have also suffered from Self-Harm. I hate to admit this, as I feel like people will think less of me, but at the time, it was my way of coping, be it right or wrong. I almost felt a realise of my emotions in doing this as it took away the desire to 'binge'.

Over a year ago, I joined a group on Facebook (for people with BED) and it's a really supportive little community. There is always someone there, whether its to get advice or support. The founder of the group, Stefanie, has helped me tremendously in recovering from my BED. 

After a really tough few days in February 2013, I sought Stefanie out for some desperate advice and she answered me. She showed me that I am a beautiful young lady, worthy of happiness. She told me that I can do this. Since that day - 14th February 2013 - I have been 'binge free'. Yes, I still overeat at times, eat through comfort, eat through boredom, eat through my emotions, but I am slowly learning to deal with this. I have realised that it is a long road to recovery and it may not always been a smooth ride, but you know what, I am going to do this!! :-)

Infertility side of things, I struggle to get my head around. I get upset at seeing a pregnant lady in the street, a mummy pushing her baby in a pram, my friends/family announcing they are expecting, spending time around babies and lastly people asking me the inevitable question of "You've been married for 5 years, when are you going to try for a baby", when inside all I want to do is scream and shout at this person that it has been almost 4 long years that we have been trying, and we need help to conceive. 

In order for me and my husband to go forward with fertility treatment I must lose 3 stone before we are even considered to be referred to the local PCT for funding. I have no faith/self-belief or confidence that this will ever happen. Sometimes when I see friends or families' babies, I feel like I just want to break down and cry as I feel like it is never going to happen for us. How do I lose 3 stone, when I am recovering from BED?! The answer I am slowly learning is that I need to start to love myself more, the way I look, the way I feel and to have more self compassion.

This blog is going to be about myself writing my feelings, thoughts, be it negative or positive and to slowly learn to love myself with the magic of 'Self Portrait'. My husband is going to slowly give me photography lessons so I can try and take 'Self Portraits' with every emotion, so I can look at them and to start to love myself, warts and all!

If you have made it this far, I congratulate you!