Realising the need to break out of my comfort zone...

So this is me today! 

I decided that upon looking out the window today and seeing the sun shining, that I would wear my lovely maxi dress and embrace the lovely sun shining! I was feeling happy whilst getting myself ready.

The things I like about myself today are:

• I love the fact that I had the confidence to wear a lovely maxi dress and not feel paranoid at all, about being asked by total strangers, when is my baby due!
• I love the fact that I was very comfortable in what I was wearing.
• I LOVE the fact that I asked my hubby to take a photo of me on the way out earlier, as I thought it would make a fantastic photo for todays blog!
• I love my crazy curly hair! Even more so that we had the windows down on the motorway earlier and it currently resembles a mop ha-ha!
• I love the fact that I took the time to put a little make up on today, to perk me up even more.
• I love the fact that I am starting to, no matter how small the steps maybe, but I am starting to accept small, very small parts of myself! 

I think some of you're comments are true. I feel as if I need to forget about weight loss and my end goal of becoming a mummy, at the moment, but focus on accepting myself and to get my eating behaviour under control. I feel like I need to gain some confidence, so tomorrow, I am going to look into some local classes, that I can meet some other people. I guess I need to take myself out of my comfort zone...

Here it goes...

So many questions...

Today has been a good day! No feelings of anxiety or depression. But I have had lots of questions going through my mind this afternoon...

How do you accept yourself as you are, flaws and all?

How do you not focus on losing weight all the time??

How do you not feel a failure all the time, in what you eat?

How do you change the thoughts every time you eat something, that you are ruining you're chances of losing weight, to get to you're end goal?

How do you learn to love yourself when you have spent so long hating it and ripping every part of it apart?

How do you learn to take compliments of other people and not be thinking 'Why have they said that? Are they saying that because i really look a mess?

How do you stop comparing yourself to the lovely slim women that you see in public?

How do you stop the 'voices' in you're head when you are eating, thinking people are judging you for what you are eating?

How do you feel 'attractive' when you have done you're hair and make up all nice, and then still fat and ugly?

It's so exhausting all day, everyday going through all this! How do you hush all of these negative feelings?


I guess what I am trying to ask is, how do I accept myself as I am, when it makes me so unhappy??

When all I want to look like is this?

Gosh, this is hard work! But d'ya know what? I am certain that all this hard work, will be worth all the tears and upset in the end!!

Slowly getting there :-)

I want to start off with saying how pleased I am that me and my sister-in-law had an open discussion last night, into how we felt about things that had happened in the past between us. We have always had a fiery relationship. I think we were both guilty of not really explaining ourselves properly and reading too much into things and being insensitive to the others feelings. I think not speaking for the last few months has been a good thing, a good thing in the respect that it has given us both time to think about things. But I think we have turned a corner and hope that we manage to be more open with each other from now on :-)

All in all, today has been a good day so far. No anxiety creeping in. No upset. Just finding myself tired. After hubby had left for work, I slept for an extra two and half hours. Feeling more refreshed :-)

Managed to walk Milo in between rain showers as well, which is good. Milo doesn't like rain, he is very pampered and will refuse point blank to walk in the rain! My husbands nanna always jokes with us that we must buy him a 'doggy umbrella', which reminds me I must see if there is such a thing! hee hee! If we try and take him out in the rain, he would just stand there and dig his claws into the ground and refuse to move. But Im happy that we both managed to get out, even if it was only for a short time.

Also had a lovely catch up over the phone with my beautiful best friend! Its crazy we only saw each other 6 days ago, but we miss each others company. We get on so well. We both get that the other person has things going in their own lives at times, but we know we are always there for each other! We can count on each other if the other needed it! Its amazing to know I have someone like that around me, other then my husband :-)

When I woke up from my snooze this morning, I realised that I was hungry. Actually 'hungry' not just eating through boredom or my feelings! Its a lovely moment to feel hunger, it really is! I can honestly say that today I have questioned myself with regards to food, with these following questions...
 *Am I actually hungry? Will this satisfy me? Will this fill me up, until my next meal? Am I eating this through boredom? Am I trying to eat away my emotions?*
I tuned into what my body was telling me at the time, and I went with it. I am sat here feeling satisfied with myself that I have listened to myself today and showed myself love and gratitude. I have treated my body with respect today, the respect that is needed to be at one with myself.

I am slowly learning on this journey of mine, that being open is a good thing! Also that there is nothing to be ashamed about. I don't have to 'pretend' I'm ok anymore and plaster on a smile, when I am not happy! Things are slowly getting good again and I couldn't be more pleased, because deep down I know all of that is down to me :-)

Today is going to carry on being a positive day because it can be and will be!

Mucho love to all xxx

Where to start?

I have been sat here for quite a while, staring at a blank screen, as I didn't know where to start and still don't. I feel ashamed to be writing my true feelings, that others will read, but you know what, I feel like this is helping in my recovery, being open with others. Letting others read my blog, letting others see my true feelings. Letting others see that life isn't always as it seems. I just hope people don't judge me through reading what I am going through. Yes I am struggling at the moment, but you know what I am trying my hardest to beat this!

So i'll start...


Yesterday was a really good, positive and successful day! Because I am not working at the moment, I suggested to my husband we go out for a drive after dinner. Not long after the journey started, I become very upset. After a good cry, my husband asked me "What has happened that made you upset?" I didn't answer, but I sat there for a while trying to think of what it was...

It turned out that earlier that evening, my husband didn't eat all of his dinner, but I did! I was beating myself up about finishing my dinner?! And then I had a yoghurt and some chocolates after... I want this mentality to go! I want to be in control of my eating! I want to be able to enjoy my meals, and finish my meals if I am hungry and not be beside myself, if others around don't finish theres!

After realising why I was so upset. All those horrible, cruel thoughts came flooding in. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, I'm never going to beat this and these feelings + thoughts that I have?

It left me feeling exhausted! So exhausted that we came home and I went straight to bed, to watch some TV. After a while I became more relaxed.

It amazes me how I can be on such a high, being positive with everything in my life, appreciating everything that I have in my life, then like a switch everything can turn into a dark place. A dark place, where I want to hide from everyone, eat lots and inflict pain on myself. It's like I don't have control of my feelings. And this is something that really upsets me.

But you know what?! Today, I am going to try my hardest to remain positive and do some house chores, to keep me busy.

This can't beat me! I am one strong lady! And only I can beat this :-) xxxxxxxx

My tattoo I had a couple of months ago, I am finding myself looking at it a lot more lately!

I need to believe anything is possible! I have the POWER!

Being Positive is AMAZING!!!

Since my post yesterday, I decided that I want to do a positive post. But in order for my post to be positive, I had to have some positive that happened in my day!

After an upsetting morning yesterday, I spent the afternoon catching up on laundry, as it was nice and sunny :-) My husband also managed to finish work early, and he bought me some posh chocolates home. We had a couple each when he got home, I then started cooking dinner and he had another one and offered me one and I said "No thank you"!!!!!!!!!! WOW, I turned down a chocolate, because I didn't fancy one!!!!!!!
What a break through, this is amazing! I am amazing! I listened to my body and I didn't want any chocolate! We had a few more after dinner but there are PLENTY left!!! What a sense of achievement!! I am slowly beating the voice in my head that says, I must finish EVERYTHING in one go!
WOOOHOOOO!! I have the strength to do this :-)

We then spent most of the later afternoon/evening in the garden. I love being in the garden relaxing, it makes me smile!!

Here are some of the photos that I took last night that really did make me smile, laugh and fill my heart even more with LOVE!

Me & Milo!

Me!

One of my cats Smudge!

Milo! 

Me & Milo blowing everyone a kiss!

Me & Milo being silly!

Today I made the decision that I am going to try and make it a positive day! After my husband 'nagging' me to go out for a bike ride, as it always makes me feel happy! Thats what I done. I cycled to the local shops and picked up a few items. I then decided to cycle around the local lake, it was truly beautiful! Yes, there were lots of people about, but you know what? I told myself, I am worthy and I entitled to be happy. It wasn't easy at first but the more I cycled the more, I enjoyed myself. And yes I even cycled on the roads, where there are lots of people and cars!!!! I ROCK! I AM WORTHY! I AM POWERFUL! Here is a photo of the lake I cycled around...

Not a brilliant photo but it is beautiful!

Once I arrived home, Milo was trying to tell me it was his turn to go out! So we got ready and off we went! I had already decided that I was going to take him on the same route that I was going to take him on yesterday, before that horrid man hurled insults at me! So we went out, I held my head high and my back straight. I approached the roundabout, I could feel my heart racing, but I smiled and kept telling myself " You are strong a strong and beautiful lady!" 

And so it was :-)

Roundabout in question!

I then arrived home and was feeling very positive! So I decided to take a few snaps of myself, to make me smile even more :-)

Working the camera! HAHA!

Being silly!

I'm smiling because I have had such a happy day so far!| Oh yeah and I AM BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After a conference call last night (within the private group on facebook) I had a very A-HA moment! I realised that I am the only one that can change. I cannot change other people around me, and there cruel ways but I can change my way of dealing with these situations and I feel strong that I can, within time!

So for the time being, I am going to try and my hardest to focus on things and people that make me feel good about myself and make me smile!

How can strangers be so cruel?

So today started of really positive! I mowed the grass, done a couple of loads of washing, washing up and had a nice shower. I was starting to believe that today was going to be a good day!

I decided on taking Milo on a slightly busier route then yesterday, so I got us both ready to head out. The walk started off with me very happy and smiley, enjoying the sunshine and my surroundings. We then got to the main road, where there is a roundabout. I had to stop to remove a stone that was stuck in my flip flop and was digging into my foot. As I had just started to carry on walking, there was queueing traffic to my right, at the roundabout. The traffic started moving and something made me look up at these cars. As I did, a grown man, yes a grown man, stuck his head out the window, looked at me and shouted "Lose some weight, you fat c**t!" 
It took me a while to process what he had actually said to me, I was frozen to the spot and started to cry! I then walked as fast as I could to get away from the busy roundabout. I changed my route to a much quieter route, where I knew I wouldn't bump into anyone else, wouldn't be confronted with such cruel behaviour from others!

I am left feeling worthless, fat, ugly, scared of going out by myself, like I am being punished for something. 

How do I start to overcome all of these things if this is what I am faced with when I go out by myself? It never happens when I am with my husband. Why do grown men and women think it is acceptable to pick on a vulnerable lady by herself?! Do they not think I have feelings too? 

I cannot let this incident set me back! I am going to try my hardest to beat these bullies and show them, I am worthy of happiness, no matter how hard it may be!

Trying to beat Anxiety!

Since I lost my job beginning of May, I have realised the reasons why I walk my dog Milo on our little estate bit, rather then on busier roads. It is because I want to hide myself away, I don't want people to see 'me', I dont want them to see me and think what a fat ugly mess I am and also I don't want to have to stop and talk to people and they see me 'up close'.

I realised this as I was getting the dog and myself ready for his walk just now, so i said to myself that i needed to try the busier roads today, see how it makes me feel and I felt panicky, my heart was racing and I kept my head down to the floor.

Once home, I couldn't shut the front door fast enough. My heart was racing so fast, sweaty 

palms and felt an intense amount of panic within.

There was another incident last week when I was out cycling on my new bike. I passed a lady, walking her dog, she was a total stranger to me. As I cycled past her she called out to me " Good way to lose the fat", I laughed through shock and amazement that someone could be so cruel and then I called back to her "Cheeky bitchy". Inside I was sobbing, sobbing my heart out. 

It makes me sad to think I hide myself away from the outside world, as I'm frightened of the next comment. I feel my safest when I am with my husband. How do I get more confident, about going out by myself?

I am a good person, worthy of contact with others, aren't I?

How do I learn to love myself, when I am faced with these comments from others? 


I have taken the first step, so I can only see what tomorrow brings...