So after my last post, me and my husband spoke. He said that I needed to be more open about my feelings with other people, and not feel ashamed. It dawned on me that I always put other people's feelings first, as I didn't want to make them feel awkward. So I made the decision to be 'open' and post a link to my new blog on Facebook so others could see. As soon as I posted it, I turned to my husband and said "What have I done?!" But shortly after I felt a sense of elation, that I had posted it!
Having suffered from depression, BED and infertility I have always felt ashamed, and never wanted anyone to know that I suffer from these issues. I guess I didn't want to discuss it so openly with people, as I didn't want their pity, I didn't want them to think I was inadequate as a woman, and I certainly didn't want them thinking less of me as a person.
Today has been a true test of my emotions, as it was my best friend's, daughter's birthday. My husband and I went to their house this morning to give presents, and to celebrate with them. I can honestly say I enjoyed every second with her and her family. Seeing how much this little girl is growing into a little lady, with her own personality is amazing to be a part of. She has such a wicked sense of humour, and such a quirky personality. She is getting more vocal by the day, learning new words. She has a little sister that is just as amazing. She is very unique in the respect that she doesn't know whether to laugh or cry at you at times, but she too, is a joy to be around. Their mummy, my best friend, is an amazing mother. She always puts her baby girls before anyone or anything else. She takes them places, teaches them things, and cares for them more then they ever could be.
I am so envious that I am unable to experience all of these things. I long to pee on a stick and see a cross or line, go for you're first scan, and see a baby, feel the baby kick inside you, have the joy of bringing the baby into this big world, nurture the baby, breast feed, change dirty nappies, stimulate the baby and to see the smile on my husband's face whilst he is cradling our baby. Please God, let this happen for us!
After seeing my friend we went into town to grab a few bits, and had lunch. We bumped into a lovely couple that my husband used to house-share with. They have been going through IVF, and are just about to embark on their third go. I really have faith that it will happen this time for them. We have to believe it will, we have nothing more then hope, so we must cling onto this!
We then went and sat down and had our lunch. I felt a pang of jealousy, and started criticising myself. How could I lose weight quickly, so that we too could be referred for IVF? Could I only survive on one meal a day? Could I not eat at all, but just treat hypos? Could I start making myself sick after meals? All the frustration left me determined that we too, would have that!
Last week I started work at a care home in the town where I live, and I saw some pretty horrific things go on there. I only worked there for 3 days! After the third day I realised that I cannot be a part of what I was witnessing. I rung and spoke to the manager and she thanked me for the feedback and said she would simply 'look into it'. I wasn't happy with the reply, so I reported the Care Home to the CQC, and they too, have said they are looking into the complaints I made, by contacting the manager. I felt unhappy with this response, but what more can I do??
Since I had worked at this care home, I have felt a decline in all my issues. Mostly as I am now unemployed and have too much time on my hands, but I am working on it!
I feel kind of nervous that I am posting my true feelings 'out there' for everyone to read, but it is time for me to be brave...
