I suppose I should start by introducing myself really. I am Leanne, I am 25 years old. I have been married to my husband for 5 years. I have suffered from Binge Eating most of my life but it got very out of hand when me and my darling husband found out we need IVF in order to conceive. We found out after a year of 'trying'. Since finding out 3 years ago, I have been diagnosed with depression and Binge Eating Disorder. I have received CBT for both, over a year ago, but am of the firm belief that you need to be in the right frame of mind to accept help and quite frankly, I was not at the time.
Whilst awaiting my CBT to begin, I started attending a 'Support Group' within the community, met other people suffering from BED. It was nice to be able to speak openly with other people, people that wouldn't judge you as they understood.
I have also suffered from Self-Harm. I hate to admit this, as I feel like people will think less of me, but at the time, it was my way of coping, be it right or wrong. I almost felt a realise of my emotions in doing this as it took away the desire to 'binge'.
Over a year ago, I joined a group on Facebook (for people with BED) and it's a really supportive little community. There is always someone there, whether its to get advice or support. The founder of the group, Stefanie, has helped me tremendously in recovering from my BED.
After a really tough few days in February 2013, I sought Stefanie out for some desperate advice and she answered me. She showed me that I am a beautiful young lady, worthy of happiness. She told me that I can do this. Since that day - 14th February 2013 - I have been 'binge free'. Yes, I still overeat at times, eat through comfort, eat through boredom, eat through my emotions, but I am slowly learning to deal with this. I have realised that it is a long road to recovery and it may not always been a smooth ride, but you know what, I am going to do this!! :-)
Infertility side of things, I struggle to get my head around. I get upset at seeing a pregnant lady in the street, a mummy pushing her baby in a pram, my friends/family announcing they are expecting, spending time around babies and lastly people asking me the inevitable question of "You've been married for 5 years, when are you going to try for a baby", when inside all I want to do is scream and shout at this person that it has been almost 4 long years that we have been trying, and we need help to conceive.
In order for me and my husband to go forward with fertility treatment I must lose 3 stone before we are even considered to be referred to the local PCT for funding. I have no faith/self-belief or confidence that this will ever happen. Sometimes when I see friends or families' babies, I feel like I just want to break down and cry as I feel like it is never going to happen for us. How do I lose 3 stone, when I am recovering from BED?! The answer I am slowly learning is that I need to start to love myself more, the way I look, the way I feel and to have more self compassion.
This blog is going to be about myself writing my feelings, thoughts, be it negative or positive and to slowly learn to love myself with the magic of 'Self Portrait'. My husband is going to slowly give me photography lessons so I can try and take 'Self Portraits' with every emotion, so I can look at them and to start to love myself, warts and all!
If you have made it this far, I congratulate you!
