The reason why I started this blog was primarily for myself, to help me understand my feelings, to help me learn to accept myself as I am and also to help aid my recovery. But it was also to help give others support and to let others know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Although its been a hard 4 months since I binged, its been worth every second of upset and pain!
With the feedback I have received it saddens me that people commend me for being so open, with what I am going through. They are in awe that I discuss so openly about how I feel. How I deal with certain situations, whether it be right or wrong of doing so. Why can't people in society be more open, when they suffer from the same issues that I do? Why are we left to feel ashamed?
So many people suffer from eating disorders, depression and infertility issues, why is it a taboo to discuss these?
Why is it when someone asks you do you want kids, you feel you have to lie to spare that persons feelings and say 'no not yet', when all you want to do is turn around and say 'I'd love a child, we have been trying for almost 4 years but with no success" Well I have been thinking over the last few days, the next person that asks me, I am going to be open with them, not to make the situation awkward but because if I am open with them, then they are aware of what I am going through and I may even start to accept it! Is this the best thing to do? I don't know, but I am going to try it and see how the situation goes...
Why is it when you are with a group people, you don't feel comfortable to eat? You feel as if you are being watched and judged by what you are eating? So you think it's best to not eat or eat little as possible, and wait until you get home, which inevitably leads to a binge, because you are over hungry and have feelings of guilt + self hatred? Well next time I am faced with this situation, I am going to keep telling myself, I can eat what I want but more then that, I am going to eat mindfully and try not to let myself think I am being judged...
Why is it when you are in a dark cloud of depression, you are ashamed and don't want people to know how you truly feel, so you plaster a smile on and try and carry on as normal, around people you don't really know? You are afraid of them referring to you as a 'nutcase' and 'attention seeker'. Well next time I feel sad and depressed, obviously I am going to try and do something to bring myself out of it, by doing something that makes me happy. But if I am sad, then I will not make out I am happy and smiling ...
I suppose this post was just a way of me seeing that I am improving slowly with my confidence. I am learning that I can change certain things in my life, that makes me unhappy. So I can become a happy, confident young lady, that I deserve to be :-)
