Today I feel a sense of emptiness around me. I feel a sense of inadequacy, with how I dealt with my emotions yesterday but more how I 'accepted' the news. 'New Baby' announcements should be joyous occasions, enjoyed by all! I hate that whilst I feel happiness and excitement for the parents, there are so many parts of me that feel upset, empty, worthless, inadequate, shame and vulnerable all at the same time! I hate that the sheer mention of babies, seeing babies in the street, seeing or hearing of pregnant women, seeing or hearing 'new baby' announcements leave me feeling really vulnerable and not knowing how to deal with this emotion.
Today I woke, thinking I heard my husband's voice saying hello to Milo! In my confused, half asleep state, I turned over and he wasn't there! I miss him. I wish he was here to give me a cuddle and tell me, everything is going to be ok.
Today I have baked him a chocolate and orange cake (just got the icing left to do), for when he returns home tomorrow! I am looking forward to spending the weekend with my love, as he has been extra busy with work lately. So the sun will be shining and I hope we can get out and enjoy it some of it!
I will also be dragging him to Bingo, as I received 'free' tickets for us both, so should be fun!
It's a struggle trying to think of things to do that doesn't cost too much money, as I am out of work at the moment, so money is tight!
Today I have gone on a cycle ride to the local shops and taken the dog out for a walk. It felt nice to get out in the fresh air. Makes me happy going out on my bike, even if I am not 100% confident riding it! Im getting there slowly :-)
Today I have also been watching some TED talks of Brene Brown, she talks a lot about shame and vulnerability. A few of the things she said has really struck a cord in me " Stop looking outside yourself for external validation. Own you're own story!"and "What we need in the world, is love sweet love. Fierce love! Courageous love for each other!". She also goes on to answer a question, from the audience about women dealing with infertility. "Women seek empathy for the pain they are in about not becoming a mum. Then some people offer sympathy stories, leading that woman to suffer shame!"
I know that I can only talk for myself, but on the rare occasions I want to talk about infertility, I don't want sympathy stories. I don't want people to say "I know someone that tried for 10 years and finally fell pregnant", "Don't think about it and it will happen", "Don't stress" etc etc. I know people feel well, but it leaves me feeling worse emotionally, a failure!
Today I long for the day that I can accept this situation, so I am able to move forward in my path, to finally conceiving our baby! I long to be on cloud nine and announcing that me and my husband are going to be parents and I do believe that one day, it will happen, but who knows when?
Today, for the rest of the day, I am going to get in my pyjamas, chill out and hide from the world!
Today I feel lonely, ashamed, extremely vulnerable and in need of a cuddle from my husband.
